Every Man Is A Volume If You Know How To Read Him

Compromise

2012-02-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, seriously, why am I so flipping tired all the time?

Where do those whispers come from,
the ones that tug me playfully away from sleep,
every hour on the hour?

I think I can feel a hole in me. Miles deep. So many miles. Something sloshes around at the bottom but I have no idea what it is.

I hope it's fire and not liquid.

The Bride

2012-01-31T16:54:00.000-08:00

Heaven forbid I admit I actually deserve something.

Oh, you know that I'm your girl.

The question is,
Do I?

The Militant

2012-01-11T10:19:00.001-08:00

I pretend to have no loyalty to you, to us

As if the only loyalty I can allow myself is the bond to this relentless heart

With it's beating, tormenting, screaming,

"You are alive."

I cover my wounds in mud.

An Assembly of Sundays

2011-12-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

Remember when I would make myself thoughtful mix CDs to play on my fancy clock/radio because I had nowhere else to focus my energy?

Remember when I would stay up late to watch The Twilight Zone because I had no one to talk to?

Remember when I was hell-bent on working in fashion because I just wanted to be superficial and interesting?

Remember when I emailed him because I was sick of feeling alone?

Remember when I kissed him because I was tired of being responsible?

Remember when I went too far because I wanted to feel pretty?

Remember when I finally stopped crying over it?

Remember when I fell in love with Sylvia Plath?

Remember when I only listened to a careful selection of Incubus songs over and over?

Remember when I left the apartment at 5:30am every Tuesday morning and wondered whether or not the L trains were conducted by ghosts?

Remember when I stopped telling myself to pretend everything was a-okay because it actually was?

(I don't know why I wait expectantly for an answer.)

Share Each Other Like an Island

2011-11-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

There's a part of me that wants to publish every single tiny thing you make me feel.

What your fingers do, how your breath tastes.

But there's also a part of me that wants to keep it all a secret because you're mine.

All mine.

Never Ever Ever

2011-09-17T18:43:00.001-07:00

I will never be pretty.
I will never be pretty.
I will never be pretty.

Never ever ever.

Never
Ever
Ever.

Mood Boosters

2011-08-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

Feeling a breeze
Looking at pictures of landscapes/flowers/animals
Reading thick novels
Drinking tea
Watching Teen Mom
Scrolling through Postsecret
Thinking about future tattoos
Thinking about future anythings
Making a list

Basketcase

2011-07-21T08:50:00.001-07:00

Stop.
Just stop right there.

Before you lock me in a box to be placed onto a shelf and forgotten, know this:

I am more.
I always have been more
And I always will be more.

Whoever says, "what you see is what you get" is full of shit because you can't just see.

You can't just see that my smile is rarely ingeniune.
And my eyes are limitless wells; no bucket could ever reach the bottom.

And the rip in my tights represents the fissure deep within my chest.
And the way this t-shirt hangs from my frame represents my barely-there identity.

And I am not always sad.
I'm just frustrated.

I'm frustrated that my imagination runs infinitely faster than my actions.
And I'm frustrated that I am always shouting alone in an empty room.

And why have these past two years seemed like ten?
And why, no matter how many sticks I rub together, has this flame become no more than a flicker?

And words, for me, are not just seen or heard.
They are felt.

And maybe, if you could just understand this, I wouldn't seem so distant after all.

I've Had Enough

2011-06-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

It amuses me when people ask me what I'm going to do after getting an associate's in English and, after I say "I don't know," they're like, "You don't know what you're going to do?!"

As if I have no ambition or goals.

Actually, I have so many ambitions and goals that I'm just not sure what to focus on first yet.

I assure you, there aren't many people nowadays with as many ambitions as I have.

One day, my "I don't know" will turn into "I've always known, you just wouldn't have understood at the time."

And Everything You Love Will Burn Up In The Light

2011-06-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

I've been having cryptic dreams lately. Dreams of death and blood and...houses covered in ice?

They say if you dream of death, it is a sign of new life.

Either someone is pregnant (heaven forbid) or this stalemate transition I'm stuck in has really been an incubation period and I will soon hatch into some glorious being.

Here's to hoping.

And here's to hoping that I will defeat these hurtful assumptions people have been making about me and my lifestyle. I mean, I can really do without them.

I am I am I am

2011-06-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

I always try to blog on or around my birthday since it's supposed to be such an important time in one's life, but this year the transition has practically gone unnoticed. Twenty-one is said to be a landmark year and I just feel sort of numb.

Comfortably numb, I might add. Contently numb?

I made a list of short-term goals I'd like to achieve this summer and I am very satisfied with the list. However, long-term goals prove to be much more of a challenge.

Maybe I'm just not meant to have long-term goals. I'll do what I can, I'll do what I love. God will take me where I need to go.

From You To Me To Me To Me To Me

2011-05-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

You can think whatever you want in that vast head of yours.

Just don't say it, at least not in front of me.

My ears are eager to relay ordinary comments to my acid-filled, shit-fest brain where they will be transformed into screaming larvae ready to eat whatever the hell is left of my self-esteem.

So don't do it.

...fuck.

Life In A Survey

2011-05-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

1. Had sex

2. Bought condoms

3. Gotten pregnant

5. Kissed a boy

6. Kissed a girl

7. Used a little paper bag for lunch

8. Had a job

8. Slipped on ice

9. Missed the school bus

11. Left the house without my wallet/purse

12. Bullied someone on the internet

13. Sexted

14. Had sex in public

15. Played on a sports team

16. Smoked weed

17. Smoked cigarettes

18. Smoked a cigar

19. Drank alcohol

20. Watched “The Breakfast Club”

21. Been overweight

22. Been underweight

23. Had an eating disorder

24. Been to a wedding

25. Made fun of someone for being fat

26. Been on the computer for 5 hours straight

27. Watched tv for 5 hours straight

28. Been late for work

29. Been late for school

30. Kissed someone in the rain

31. Showered with someone else.

32. Failed my drivers test

33. Ran a mile in less than 10 minutes

34. Been outside my home country

35. Been on a road trip longer than 5 hours

36. Gotten my heart broken

37. Had a debit/bank card

38. Been to a professional sports game

49. Broken a bone

40. Been unhappy about my weight

41. Won a trophy

42. Cut myself

43. Had an STD

44. Got engaged

45. Been on a diet

46. Tried out to be on a tv show

47. Rode in a taxi

48. Been to prom

49. Played in a drinking game

50. Stayed up for 24 hours or more

51. Been to a concert

52. Had a three-some

53. Had a crush on someone of the same sex

54. Been in a car accident

55. Had braces

56. Learned another language

57. Killed a bug

58. Been at a yard sale

59. Been to a japanese steakhouse

60. Wore make up

61. Talked to someone via webcam

62. Lost my virginity before I was 16

63. Spoken to a red head

64. Kissed someone a different race than myself

65. Snuck out of the house

66. Bought porn

67. Had a virus on my computer

68. Had oral sex

69. Dyed my hair

70. Gone skinny dipping

71. Graduated from college

72. Wore someone else’s clothes

73. Voted in a presidential election

74. Rode in an ambulance

75. Rode in a helicopter

76. Caught the stove on fire

77.Got in a verbal fight

78. Been on vacation

79. Been on an airplane

80. Been on a boat

81. Had surgery.

82. Kissed someone before I was 14.

83. Beat a video game

84. Found something valuable on the ground

85. Made a survey

86. Stalked someone on facebook/myspace

87. Prank called someone

88. Been to a library outside of school

89. Spent over $100 shopping in one day

90. Cut my hair and hated it

91. Peed outside

92. Went fishing

93. Helped with charity

94. Taken a pregnancy test.

95. Been rejected by a crush

96. Been suspended from school

97. Broken a mirror

98. Faked sick from school

99. Owned a pet

100. Been to six flags

Skin Like Smoke

2011-05-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

Behind black eyelids,
a blade meets my throat,
punctures skin,
tastes my brain

Comes and goes,
Comes and goes

Am I crazy?

AM I CRAZY?

Oh, perhaps.

I like that word,
Perhaps
So much can be carried on seven letters

Seven
Six
Five
Four
Three
Two
Sit me down on the street curb

The trees, lush with green,
boast of the seven letters
Rich, meaty letters

The wind rushes by,
taking my soul along with it.

Louder Than Sirens, Louder Than Bells

2010-12-30T19:14:00.000-08:00

Sooner than I can ever realize I will be twenty-one.

Twenty-one years have my feet padded down silent hallways, busy streets. I've seen so much and listened in on so many conversations.

And still I hardly know who exactly I want to be.

Sure, I have vague ideas that lounge around in my head. They invite me in and I spend more time in a dreamy haze than in the reality where these ideas should be executed.

I mean, can you blame me? It's so difficult to be a girl nowadays.

I've got to be pretty, sexy, a good lover.
I've got to be kind, polite, a caretaker.
I've got to be dainty, stylish, a spectacle.

But that's not enough now that it's 2011.

I've also got to be independent, heavily educated, successful.
I've got to be tech-savvy, street smart, an activist.

I want with every fiber of my being to find the perfect balance between the old-fashioned and the here and now. I want to be that enigma of a woman but all of the pressure holds me captive and I hide in my bed instead.

Some days I can't help but wish I had been born male. Because if you're a guy, that's all you have to be. A guy.

The potential swells within me; I know it's there. It resonates in my ears. 24fucking7.

Lypophrenia (Revisited)

2010-11-24T16:35:00.000-08:00

Unexplained sadness.

Unexpected. Unnecessary.

Over-dramatic and overindulged.

When the sound of a bottle opening is more crisp than the beat of my own heart. When the gray of the November sky wears onto my skin. When envy burns deep in my stomach like an ulcer. When my love for affection is nowhere to be found and my lips become cynical. When nostalgia is a potent scent and frustration coats my tongue in several separate layers.

Life seems dull and worthless.
Everyone is more attractive, more alive.
And I'm just crawling along the ground, spewing acid on innocent souls.

But tomorrow I will wake up with bright eyes and rosy cheeks.

It's a phenomenon, really.

Lypophrenia

2010-04-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when my mind is restless and the night is my only comfort, I feel an unmistakable urge to run away from wherever I am; simply drop everything and run.

I would take nothing with me, just the clothes on my back and the heart beating wildly in my chest. All material possessions would be left behind. All worries would be left behind. My mind would be left behind.

****

Sadness is earth’s greatest chameleon. It can take almost any shape, possess most elements. It is the violent wind beating against my window and the way it always seems to find a way in through cracks in the wall or slits beneath the door. It silently chills my fingertips before I even realize what’s happening.

****

I wouldn't need anyone to come along. I would be content with myself. Only myself. I would discover God somewhere along the way.

There would be no stopping. I would run and run and run.

****

I fight endlessly everyday to paint a spectacular self-portrait. But it always comes along and, as only a child would, it scars my masterpiece with black crayon. The marks are not as harsh or permanent as ink but they are still all too visible. And I cannot place blame because it is just a child.

****

I would run past cities, glaring and blaring with lights and noise. I would run past fields whistling at me in the wind. I would run past forests filled with trees who casually acknowledge my passing.

It would always be night during this journey. I would lose all fear of darkness. The lack of light would become my dearest friend. The stars would know my face better than their own. And when I feel like giving up, they would surround me like a family surrounds a fussy infant. The moon would shy away from me.

****

The sun must feel it when he is standing at his highest point in the sky and a cloud decides to linger over him until evening. I hope the sun knows he is not the only one who is inconvenienced by thoughtless clouds. He is not the only one to often become eclipsed by something so fickle.

****

I would run until my clothes are soaked with sweat, until I am forced to strip down to my underwear. I would relish the cold air on my chest as I keep going. Icy breaths would encourage rather than cripple me. My limbs would shock me with their relentless functions. My bare feet would pound through dirt, grass, asphalt, gravel.

Every tress of my hair would forget what it felt like to lay against my warm back.
Every piece would be forever suspended in air. Even when I stop,
my hair would stay molded into a pointed, windblown shape.

****

The phantom buries itself beneath my skin, making me feel as if an armada of tiny insects is marching along my nerves. I scratch and scratch but the itch remains. I wrestle with a dull frustration only to come away with countless scrapes on my arms and legs. The night betrays me and sleep is my only rescue.

****

My body would become indifferent to changes in weather. I would gain a strength beyond belief. I would not know illness, or aches, or anxiety.

I would be invincible.

The run would coax my thoughts into a shift. I would know a peace that nothing could take from me. I would never feel as if I am out of place or making the wrong decision or wasting my energy on love, work, or dreams.

My wanderlust would be satisfied at last. My broken pieces would be fixed. My faith would be impenetrable.

****

I won't ever fulfill this urge to run. My heart is tied to those I foolishly love. My hands hold onto items that bring me simple, temporary comfort. My mind worships ideals I may never reach. So, instead, I allow my thoughts to humor this running fantasy while I passively hold a pen in my hand and give it over to a piece of paper who couldn't care less.

And maybe, for now, that is all I need. See, this blank page is immune to sadness. No matter how indifferent, it can only bring opportunity.

When You See Yourself In A Crowded Room

2010-02-23T08:50:00.001-08:00

Things I'm Good At
- Making strange noises when I'm alone in my room
- Being dramatic
- Missing you
- Procrastinating
- Writing my feelings
- Noticing simple beauties

Things I'm Not So Good At
- Peeling oranges
- Painting my own nails
- Staying off of Tumblr
- Saving money
- Blocking out negative thoughts
- Losing all hope

Taut

2009-11-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

Nothing is more frustrating than the inability to cry.

Postponing Death

2009-10-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

I found a list of Twenty Things to do Before I Die that I had written in early 2008. It's actually a great list. I should start working on a few of them. My soul deserves the effort.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit." - Zechariah 4:6

Formidable Skies

2009-10-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

It's 2pm. I called in "sick" to work. Haven't showered yet. Eating a slice of plain white bread.

I could really go for some vegetable soup and hot chocolate. And some sunshine.

Just a hint of sunshine would be fantastic right now.

My head aches. My body aches. My heart wants to race.

Gotta find a way to live despite the gray atmosphere.

Ready, set, go.

Beware

2009-09-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm just a
Ridiculous,
Love-thirsty,
Dream-weaving,
Word-bearing,
Fool-hearted,
Star-gazing,
All-giving,
God-fearing,
Time-abandoning,
Mad-capped,
Unbreakable,
Indestructible,
Unfathomable,
Nineteen year old girl.

Okay?

Mind Recovered

2009-09-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

Partially.

There's a piece of my mind that will always be detached from the rest of it. It walks on its own wobbly feet, traveling with an insatiable hunger. It doesn't know rules or consistency or commonplace. A bit of a fearless rebel, it has no home.

It is very much aware of the world it lives in. It greedily gobbles up everything it touches, tastes, hears, sees. It doesn't know any limits.

It believes in miracles. In love. In life.

It revels in its own naive wanderlust.

And I think the rest of my mind is okay with that, although it would never dare admit it. Maybe it's even proud of its black sheep.

This is the part of my mind I choose to follow. I will not follow my heart. I will not follow my conscience. I will not follow my logic.

I will follow the piece of me that does not carry the word impossible in its vocabulary.

Why, Yes, I Have Lost My Mind

2009-08-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

Thank you for asking. :)

Richmond St.

2009-07-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

If I took a walk around the block right now, would I come face to face with successes or failures?

Miracle

2009-06-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

"I gotta get myself together. I gotta stop telling myself I can do no better. Gotta go out and maybe start meeting some new people. Gotta go out and buy myself one of those little black dresses. 'Cause I'm so tired of this t-shirt. I'm so tired of crying off all my makeup. Getting just so tired of waking up with a lonely heart."
- Diane Birch

Nineteen Years Young

2009-06-07T06:27:00.000-07:00

You Know I Rep This Shit

2009-05-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, I finally went out. I am normal.

Isaac and I hung out yesterday and ended up at the HIP and, after a meal at IHOP and a lot of wandering around, we came back to Logan Square. Walked along the boulevard, explored, got milkshakes at Tastee Freeze. It was all very fulfilling and I laughed a lot. We talked about Manhattan and other summer plans most of the time. I guess it reminded me of how summer is supposed to feel. And I fell in love with my neighborhood all over again.

This city never fails.

It's never overbearing or unforgiving. The buildings, the cement, the people. They all hold me without trapping me. That's love.

High of 87

2009-05-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel like summer's already over? It's only been 4.5 days. I haven't done anything. I don't even feel like going out and it's so beautiful outside. I shouldn't feel this way. I don't know what my problem is.

I wonder if I'm giving away my summer to others. If there's one thing I can not stand, it's being pulled in all different directions by everyone around me. It's always the people I don't want.

Why Don't You Say It?

2009-05-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

This is my second full day of summer vacation. My first day of no obligations (yesterday, I had to work). It's absolutely glorious. Every summer, I'm reminded of how awesome it is to be released from the exaggerated stress that is school. I love that the feeling is easy to forget. Yesterday, I finished The Fountainhead, worked on my fashion look-book, and watched ten episodes of Death Note. Those are all things I haven't had the time to do this past semester. And it felt really, really good simply acknowledging the fact that now I do.
Today I hung out with Sandra for the first time in months. It's weird spending so much time apart when you used to do almost everything together but I can't lie and say it's not by choice. I don't really want to hang out with her anymore. I feel like such a terrible friend but I just don't enjoy her company like I used to. Nowadays, I feel like all we do is commiserate and I listen to her complain about life. We sit around and watch TV or go out and spend money that we don't have on food. I'm always left feeling relieved whenever she leaves. It's horrible. I wonder if she's as fed up with me as I am with her. At least then we'd be on the same page and it'd be easier to drift apart. It's disappointing, seeing as we've been close since freshman year, but, from where I stand now, I don't see the relationship turning around. I don't know....maybe I'm just being pessimistic.
I need to meet more people in this city. I'm a perfectly charming person. I should have no trouble making friends. I've moved a bajillion times. You'd think I'd have this making friends shit down by now. I'm tired of sitting in an empty house, leaving the TV on in order to make myself feel less alone. I need someone valuable to hold on to. Now.

I've Seen Myself In A Thousand Faces

2009-05-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

I miss this blog. I've been favoring my Xanga because it's a lot more public than this one. But there's something entirely romantic about the fact that no one reads this.

I don't know where I am. Emotionally, I mean. It's been a rough week. Tuesday night, I got home around 9 and came very close to having an anxiety attack. I thank God everyday that I've learned to control them. The last thing I need is a replay of last spring. A senior in high school and I couldn't sit in class for fifteen minutes without feeling like I was going to vomit, like I was short of breath for no apparent reason. I've only told a few people about the attacks. My parents were convinced I was anemic. There were blood tests taken and everything. There's nothing wrong with my blood. It's my brain. It's so difficult to explain to others how it feels to suddenly be overwhelmed with an inexplicable fear. What's more difficult is admitting that I'm weak enough to let my anxiety take over me. Patrick always tells me it's not something I should be ashamed of. It's something I can't control. I have trouble accepting it. Either way, I'm happy it's behind me.

So, on Tuesday night, I just cried into the phone. I guess it was one of those stress explosions. I very often push stress into the back of my mind until it all forces itself forward, the pressure pushing tears into my eyes. There's a lot going on right now. It's fair for me to be stressed. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging it. It's just so hard for me. I'm obsessed with my own strength. Sometimes I feel as if strength is my most prominent weakness.

There are all the typical things to stress out over. School, work, money, my family, my future. Just thinking about all of them makes my head ache. But the most stressful is being true to myself. I love who I am nowadays and it kills me that I am so misunderstood. I love people so much that it's become an everyday struggle to remember that it doesn't matter if they like me or not. I should never feel the need to explain myself. I think and feel too deeply for my own good most days.

I'm much better at ignoring the looks and the comments, though. It's incredibly liberating just being myself and not caring. One day I won't have to work at it so much.

I think what I need most right now is summer. I need that detachment from responsibility that's been controlling my life. And there's so much I want. I want to see the Chicago skyline lit up at night. I've missed it far too many times. I want to share the stars with someone. I want to feel pretty in anything I decide to throw on. I want to have fun and still save money. I want to explore everything. I want to be immensely inspired and do the same to others.

I want to feel a strong hand on my neck because it's too delicate and my head is too full.

That's what I want most.

God bless.

"I don't wish to be the symbol of anything. I'm only myself." - Howard Roark (The Fountainhead)

Blow Me

2008-11-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about being so young is pretending I don't give a shit about anything.

Acting so uninterested all the time is extremely entertaining.

If certain people knew how much I really do care, well... they'd probably start treating me like the adult I'm supposed to be.

That'd be no fun.

Dearest Brooke Fraser

2008-09-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

Dearest Brooke Fraser,

Thank you for showing me such Godly kindness yesterday. I apologize for missing your show. Security wouldn't let me in because I'm lacking in the valid ID department and, of course, they did not believe that I am in fact 18.

However, I cherish your thought. Never before has someone of your talent put me on a guest list to recieve free tickets. Hearing you compliment my outfit pretty much made my year as well. Your cd (now authographed) means the world to me.

I can only pray that the guy I gave the tickets to, the one who said he felt terrible for what security was putting me through, enjoyed the show as much as I would have. Although there is a part of me that likes to believe you searched the audience for me, your one loyal Chicagoan fan, and frowned in disappointed when you realized I was nowhere to be found, I'm sure the show was amazing without me.

Hope all goes well with the rest of the tour and you soon find yourself safe at home in New Zealand. God bless.

Apologetically yours,

Kayla

It Works

2008-09-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

The other night I was leaving my history class and headed down Lake St. to catch the train. I was tired and hungry.

One of those homeless beggars standing outside 7-Eleven told me I was pretty. I gave him a dollar.

They get me everytime.

College Kid

2008-08-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

Funny how in my last post I was talking about taking the semester off. That was before my cousin and aunt wrote me a nice check for a thousand dollars for my first semester at Harold Washington. I guess I'm pretty well taken care of here.

I started class today. English 101. I was freaking out before I got there, feeling entirely inadequate. I didn't feel smart enough, cool enough, etc. I don't know why. Harold Washington is supposedly watered down. Not to mention it's a city college. Not like I was walking into an Ivy-League university.

I have english mondays and wednesdays and history wednesdays, right after english. That's it. ...What was I so worried about? I'm glad to be in school. It's not Columbia, yeah, but it's one step closer.

I took my bike out for the first time last week. Went to Isaac's place and watched Requim For a Dream. I left around 11 and I can not explain how good it felt to ride around that late. Of course, certain people think I'm crazy because of all the dangers I could've met. But I feel pretty safe in the city at night. There are enough insomniacs in Chicago to watch over me.

I've started doing this thing where I thank God for every little break I catch, even if it's silly. Sort of like a pick-me-up. The whole "count your blessings" thing...it works.

I feel like I'm waiting for this big tidal wave of events. And I'm not really sure what I want to happen.

I need a better job. I'm going to Racine this Thursday and staying 'til Saturday morning. I have to see Madeline before she leaves. Goodness, everyone's leaving me! I guess this is what it's like to actually be the one standing still.

Hallelujah

Grace like rain falls on me

Thank you Lord for good hair days.

And just like that I feel better!

The Beat Goes On

2008-08-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

My family left for Florida the other night. And they took my shampoo. But that's beside the point. It hasn't really hit me yet. I feel like they've just gone on vacation and they'll be back soon. It probably won't hit me until I need them for something. Then the realization will crash into me full force, inducing the mother of all panic attacks. They left me a very nice bike, though.

They left around 1am, which was good for my dad (who was driving, of course), but very bad for me. I couldn't even check the window to make sure they were gone (a fun habit) because I was too busy stifling tears. Just what I need, another thing to miss. I couldn't fall asleep until 4am and I woke up at 7 with a lethal headache. Thank the Lord I didn't have to work. Sitting in front of a computer for four hours would've surely turned the headache into a tumor.

Anyways, I'm reading Twilight (much slower than Patrick, who's already freaking finished the thing, because it's pretty difficult to read). I'm disappointed. This book is supposed to be life-changing. It's supposed to make me swoon, cry, feel something. One scene did frighten me a little, but I've had better. I can only read one chapter at a time, it's so bad. I really don't see how adolescent girls all over the country have fallen head over heels in love with this book. I don't understand the hype. Idk, maybe I'll like the film version. Kristen Stewart is playing Bella and she is hott. Yeah, double T.

I find it pretty funny how easily I shock some of my family members. Like my aunt, who thinks I'm crazy for walking places and refusing to take pills. I enjoy walking to Target and the library and they're both like 15 minutes away. Big deal. Walking is one of the healthiest things a person can do. And pills weaken the body's immune system. I like to "suck it up." Then there's my uncle, who thinks I'm a hussy for visiting Patrick. Like I care. It's just hilarious to me that all the people who've watched me grow up suddenly believe the 18 mark has turned me into a rebel. Honestly, I think they should've seen it coming. I'm not a rebel (I'm a very good kid), but I've always been a little unconventional, a little dark. I've always been the one to take obvious risks. I guess I'm sort of navy blue in a family of pastels. They're judging before I even have a chance to speak. Yeah, I slept in a guy's bed for five days, but we didn't have sex. Yeah, I have a tattoo on my wrist, but it's a scripture from the Bible and it means a whole lot to me. Yeah, I enjoy listening to angry music and wearing dark colors, but that doesn't mean I don't love the poppy stuff they expect me to and drool over bright-colored clothes like every other girl. I mean, my favorite celebrity is Hilary Duff. That should be enough. Maybe I do have a rebellious streak, but that doesn't make me a rebel. I guess some people just look at others as jars that need labels. And here I thought only teenagers did that.

I'm pretty set on taking this semester off. I feel like a complete slacker in making this decision, but I can't even afford to take one class right now. And I really don't mind taking classes in the summer. Summer hasn't been the same since I was, like, 14.

My brand-new computer is supposed to be delivered tomorrow. Happy happy joy joy!! I now owe my older cousin my life. I guess he's compensating for all the times he tortured me when I was younger. And I'm now positive I'll be able to afford internet. Which means I won't have to sit at these library computers, with a little window that counts down the remaining minutes I have until someone else's reservation comes up. I haaate that little countdown. Fuck you, library! No, I don't mean that. The library has been good to me.

I have 11 minutes left. I guess I should wrap things up.

Empty Apartment

2008-08-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

Starting to fray at the seams, but I know that you'll still love me
Like you did,
Like before
Like we will be doing it once more.

Oh, baby, know what you're like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it
Oh, baby, know how you feel?
You feel like my favorite underwear
And I'm slipping you on again tonight

I leave you lying on the bedroom floor
Leave you hanging on the bathroom door
Take you for granted, but I'll always know exactly where you are
I lost you once, you were hard to find
Got you back, you didn't look like mine
Thought we were falling apart but you make me feel so pretty
Like you did, like before
Like we will be doing it once more

I'm slipping you on again tonight
Wrap me and roll me
Hold my tight
Tear me apart and make me new
Like you always do
- Liz Phair (Favorite)

Haha.

I'm sort of forcing myself to laugh...or at least make jokes.

Goodness, I feel like I didn't kiss him enough, hug him enough, feel him enough. Like I barely got the chance to soak him in.

The worst part is waking up with an empty space beside me. I can barely sleep. My body aches.

It's funny because I figured I wouldn't miss him. I'm Kayla. I've moved a bajillion and one times. I'm an expert at saying goodbye. I don't miss shit. I thought I'd just run away again, leaving him behind as if he means nothing to me. I'm pretty good at it. And I've done it to him, especially, more times than I can count. I thought this was going to be easy.

Silly me. Guess I'm more containable than I thought.

Now I have all these decisions to make. And decision-making....not one of my strengths.

This must be what being an adult is all about. Man, what I'd give to be 11 again.

I can't seem to function from this far away

And every little moment looks so dull

Without your color in my day

It feels so good to hear you speak

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bear

I hate this distance in between us,

I don't think it's fair

All my time's spent wondering

How I stay true to you

But you're not here and now I fear

I'm never getting back to you.

- The Spill Canvas (Low Fidelity)

That song used to annoy me. Now it's just a tad too appropriate.

I miss blogging.

P.S. My parents are moving to Florida.....WTF?! No, no, no! Sure, I'm out on my own, being fairly independant. But since when does that give them the liberty to move so damn far away?! How am I going to see them? My siblings are going to forget who I am! This really isn't fair. I need them close...

Letters To Some Boy (part 2)

2008-04-27T13:17:00.001-07:00

Please just call.

Plain and simple.

Letters To Some Boy

2007-12-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

So, I have this irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. And, I have to say, I'm pretty disappointed in you. You don't know me and I don't know you. You'll most likely never read this but you're out there somewhere and this must be said. I need you to reach out to me. I dream about you and I feel you but you're never really here. I want you to find me and, when you do, I want you to shake me. Hard. Wake me up and show me that God has so much more planned for you and I. Show me that you're more than a pathetic dream. That's right, I called you pathetic. And you'll be pathetic until you show up. So, do it already.
And, if you don't plan on meeting me, then I'd like to ask you to stop walking in and out of my mind, taking things that don't belong to you. It's rude and unfair. Unless, of course, I'm doing the same to you. Then it's alright.
I need you to know how hard it is for me to walk down the street and hope for you to appear. Because you never do. No matter how many times I've been disappointed, I keep on stepping onto the street with faith. Faith that you'll appear. Faith that you'll actually notice me. I know, I know. It's a lot to ask for. And I've barely even begun.
I'll keep praying for you. For me. For us.
There's so much to tell you. And I need you to listen. I need you to hear me. Just ignore my high standards for one moment. And, please don't call me selfish because I'll just say, "Well, who the fuck isn't?"

Reason To Live

2007-09-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

My Dear Pessimist,

So the world is pretty screwed up, huh? Doesn’t it seem like everywhere you turn, something is going extremely wrong? Every time you sit in front of the TV or the radio or pick up a newspaper, you learn about another murder, another war, another poverty issue. What’s worse is the media doesn’t even cover every ounce of suffering that goes on around the world. There’s evil smothering every country, every city. And even if you don’t care about international or even national suffering, you still feel it in your own life. Broken hearts, stubbed toes, doubt, headaches. The list of personal suffering goes on and on. Isn’t it just enough to drive you insane? Just enough to make you hate life completely?

Well, that is why I’m writing to you, Pessimist. You’ve allowed the heartache in this world to get to you. You’ve allowed it to cover up the things in life that are most relevant. I’ll be blunt and say that I’m sick and tired of hearing that you’re sick and tired. I’m sick of you complaining and I’m tired of seeing you waste your life away. Now, I know you don’t want to be lectured but, sheesh. When you love someone, you lift them up when they’ve hit rock-bottom, right?

So you say the world is headed for hell. It truly hurts me to see you passively accept the fact. Don’t you understand how much that has to do with you? If the world is headed for hell, don’t you have phone calls to make, places to see, people to love? Why are you just standing by and stating the obvious? Why aren’t you telling jokes, eating foreign foods, hugging your friends? My goodness, why aren’t you living?

Do me a favor and forget about broken homes and global warming and all that junk for a second. Just clear your head of all the headlines and gossip and try to remember your last laugh. And I don’t mean a snicker or a chuckle. I mean a real laugh. Don’t you go telling me you’ve never laughed either. That’s just ridiculous.

So tell me, didn’t this laugh make you feel good? You know, the kind of good that makes suffering seem impossible and rubs away all the doubt in your mind. I just wanted to remind you of that feeling. There’s nothing like it. If your days feel empty, you aren’t laughing enough.

Now, try to remember the last time you looked at the stars and simply felt amazing. And I already know what you’re going to say. How can I feel amazing while looking at such phenomena? How can I even feel significant compared to their size and numbers? Yes, it’s true that the stars are big and there’s a bazillion of them but they don’t have a thing on you. In God’s eyes (and in mine), you matter much more than a shiny ball of gas.

I could go on about the flowers and the trees and the ocean and all the other natural beauties this world offers, but I don’t want to get preachy. Just take a moment right now and breathe. Don’t worry about inhaling smog or dust. Just breathe. Now imagine that breath and every other was taken away from you. (In other words, imagine you’re dead).

Do you see how much you’ll miss out on? You’ll never get to laugh, kiss, or decide on an ice cream flavor again. You’ll never get to play with your cat, run around the block, or read your favorite book again. Say goodbye to summer nights and re-runs on TV. No more dancing, discovering, or holidays. Are you getting the idea? There is so much to live for.

Live for yourself. Live for love. Live for faith. Live for your cat. I don’t care. Just live for something. Don’t just take up space without using it, oblivious to every way Beauty reaches out to you. I promise, you are irreplaceable and the world needs you. If this wasn’t true, why would you even be here in the first place?

Look, Pessimist, I’m fully aware that pain is real. It always has been and it always will be. I’ve felt it, you’ve felt it, and the world feels it every second of the day. It’s inevitable. But pain doesn’t last forever. Unless, of course, you allow it to. Please, please, please don’t allow it to.

I want you to arm yourself with lots of hope and get out there. Pay less attention to the bad and more to the good because life is invaluable and I don’t want you wasting it.

Sincerely yours, love always,

XOXOXO,

Optimist

Credit for this photo goes to this girl:

http://www.xanga.com/I_collect_sunsetsx

Song: I Hope You Dance- LeAnn Womack

It's Time To Be A Big Girl Now

2007-06-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been seventeen for about two weeks now. Still don't feel much different. But, I'm sure I will sometime this summer. For some reason, I feel like this summer will bring me some landmark event. Not sure what it'll be but I don't think it'll be bad. Just gonna have to pray about it.

So, I got banged the other night. Yup, haven't had bangs since elementary school. It's funny how a small thing like hair can make all the difference. I feel like I look a bit more mature. Maybe even a little artsy. And I sorta look like a brunette Cameron Diaz, in my opinion. I would post pictures but I haven't taken any good ones. I'll probably take some this week while in Chicago. Which reminds me, I have to pack soon.

Daughter to Father
Tell me the truth
Did you ever love me?

- Lindsay Lohan (Confessions Of A Broken Heart)

Anyways, yesterday was Father's Day and for some reason, I thought about my biological father a lot. I even mentioned him to my little brother, assuming he knew since I coulda swore we had talked about it before. Turns out, he didn't know. I had to explain the whole story to him outside of church. He says he feels weird about me now. I felt weird when I found out too but I barely think about it now. Every now and then I wonder if my father thinks about me. Does he ever wonder what I'm like? Does he ever wonder what I'm doing with my life? Because I wonder about him sometimes.

I can go on and on about this but I'd rather not right now. I will say that I thank God for the father I have now. The one who stepped in and gave me a chance when I wasn't even old enough to comprehend a father's love. The one I admire immensely, even though he's telling me right now that I have to get off the computer.

In other news, I am really frustrated with a certain boy right now. Silly me. I'm so glad I'm going to Chicago. I can finally clear my head.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection
To be with myself and center
Clarity, Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal
Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal
Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine,
Valentine
Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center
Clarity, Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal,
Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Song: Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie because I can actually relate to something Fergie wrote. Strange, no?

You've Got Some Growing Up To Do

2007-06-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

"You need that boy
like a bowling ball
dropped on your head
which means not at all.
You have too much to give,
to live
to waste your time on him."
- Superchick

My new favorite band.

School kinda sucks but it's almost over. Other than that, I am happy.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abe Lincoln

Song: Bowling Ball- Superchick because it wouldn't make much sense to post the lyrics and not post the song. (only a 30-second clip because that's all I could get)

Playa, Drop The Drama

2007-05-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Stayed home from school today. Don't really know why. I guess to do homework and catch up on sleep but, I dunno. I was getting ready this morning and I was kinda just like, "I really don't want to go to school today." So, I didn't. I didn't really do much homework but I wrote a lot and that's what matters most to me. I am slowly becoming a bad student. Oh well.

In other news, I am so grateful for spring. I think the SAD (aka winter depression) has finally faded. I'm feeling a lot more motivated and inspired. I'm still worried about a lot of things coming up but most of them have to deal with school, so once school's over, I'll probably be fine. I've decided to be more faithful and just believe that it's all gonna work out. It always does.

I really really wanna go to Chicago but I can be patient. There are still things to look forward to in Racine. One thing I've been finding myself doing a lot of lately is people-watching. It's not as good out here as in Chicago because there's not as many people, obviously. There's a whole bunch of college guys in the apartments across from ours and I constantly watch them from the patio. I know that sounds like such a stalkerish thing to do but one of my favorite outdoor activities is observing. They play bean bag toss a lot and they suck. But, eh, who am I to talk? I suck at that game too.

So, the other day, my mom was talking to another mom and she was telling her about what months we celebrate birthdays in our family and she said, "My oldest is turning seventeen in less than a month." It immediately made me think, "Woah...I'm gonna be seventeen. By this time next year, I'll pretty much be outta high school." It's such a strange thought. I've been looking forward to turning seventeen for a while now but, now, I'm not sure if I'm ready. I don't look seventeen. Do I act like I'm seventeen? Even though I think it'll be one of those birthdays that just passes by (wake up, go to school, go to sleep), I can't help but feel it'll be some sort of landmark year.

I feel like I had more to say... Oh well. I think I've written enough.

Song: Redemption- Switchfoot because I need it.

My fears have worn me out

I've got my hand at redemption's side
Those scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
And I'll come alive

Court Me Properly

2007-05-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

There's no food in the house. Or toilet paper. Someone must be playing a sick joke on me. Just a little while longer...things will get better.

I don't know why I'm posting. I have nothing to say.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I really wanna talk to someone but whenever I think about it, I grimace. I can't make up my mind. There's something wrong with me.

I guess I'll just go write about someone instead. The paper will listen.

Song: Torn- Natalie Imbruglia because it just fits my current mood perfectly

And now I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can touch
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn

Say Something!

2007-04-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. Things aren't necessarily going bad right now, there's just a lot going on and it's a bit overwhelming. From schoolwork, to the musical production, to family, to friends, to everyday worries and...not everyday worries, it's just a lot. I'm also confused, not to mention torn about plenty of things. One thing in particular. Can't get it out of my mind.

On the upside, my hair looks really pretty today :)

I need a lot of time alone to think things over but I suddenly don't have that time. The only time I'm truly alone is while in the shower and before school while waiting for my ride. During all that time between, there's always someone requesting my attention. But, at the same time, I don't want to be alone right now. I want to be with someone, I just don't know who. An old friend of mine told me a few weeks back that I'm the type of girl who's supposed to have a fairy tale love life. Yeah, if only Kayla would stop screwing things up. I never really believe horoscopes but it's true what they say about Geminis. We get bored easily and we change our minds a lot. At least I do. And I'm sick of it. I guess I'm a great girl or whatever but I don't think I'm worth dating. Gonna have to change that sometime. Damn those horoscopes.

Liberation

I'm here to make sure your stars still shine
Here to take what's rightfully mine
I'll be your soldier
Your paragon
With me, you'll be perfectly fine

Are you searching for a liberation?
Just screaming for some attention?
Call it angst, call it depression
May I be the highlight of your day?

I was going through an old notebook of poems and felt like posting one. There's more to it but it's so silly. I think I wrote it sometime last year. Guess I matured some since then. I think I'll post more poetry from now on.

Song: Smile- Lily Allen because it's extremely catchy and I have it stuck in my head.

Stranger

2007-04-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

So, I was told by a very good friend of mine that I've changed. And I guess he's right. I have changed. But, honestly, no matter how wrong it seems to anyone else, I'm alright with change. I'm Kayla and change in my life is inevitable. I thought that's how it was for everyone else as well. Change just happens. I'll be seventeen in June. Maybe I'm just growing up. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not hurting myself, and I'm not betraying my morals. I'm just trying new things. I thought that was a good thing. To this friend, I'm sorry that I tried to deny the change and I'm sorry for hurting you in any way I did. Thank you for always being there to catch me whenever I slipped up.

Anyways, life is pretty good. I'm waiting for spring break to pick up because, as of now, I'm bored to death. My mom keeps saying that Racine has turned in to a ghost town because no one wants to be around when they have the chance to take a break. I agree. Unfortunately, due to money issues, I'm stuck in this ghost town for now.

I really don't have much else to say, so I'll put up a couple of pictures from last weekend.

Yea, I party with black people. Man, I was so sick last weekend, you can tell. Still recovering.
That's my Tati. Nothing gets me like she does sometimes.
Ok, those were my two favorite pictures and I'm too lazy to look through the rest right now.
Now, the dork in me has to come out...
Being the completely strange, sixteen yr. old, insane Hilary Duff fan that I am (cue the finger-pointing and snickers), I am sooo excited for her new album. It came out last Tuesday and, I have to say, I'm pretty impressed. Even though I don't have it yet because I'm completely broke, I've heard it online a few times and I thought her impromptu transition to dance hits was a going to be a bad idea. I was wrong. Of course, I love whatever she does but her new CD is a lot better than the new stuff she came out with on Most Wanted. I like the mature sound she's picked up. I was getting a bit tired of the "edgy" bubblegum pop. So, I chose "Stranger" for my song because I can't get it out of my friend. (It has nothing to do with what I mentioned in the beginning of the post, fyi. I know someone might get that impression.)
Happy Easter! (That's Indiana) God bless.
I think I'll go update my xanga now, before it begins to believe that I've forsaken it.

Song: Stranger- Hilary Duff because Hilary has just about stolen my heart.

Slow Me Down

2007-03-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

Wow. I say wow a lot...

Anyways, a lot has happened since my last post and there's a lot of things I would love to say, but I won't. I will say that I am in a great mood but, at the same time, I am extremely frustrated. I'm sick of too much and I really don't want to be. I'm sick of school, family, boredom, laziness, confusion, and lugging around somebody else's broken heart. I'm sick of wondering where the hell mutual feelings went. I guess love really is a bit overrated. Maybe dating just isn't for someone like me. I should just wear a sign around my neck that says, "Not Interested!" in big, bold letters. I'm sure that someone's gonna come along and try to change my mind. That's always how it goes. Someone's gotta tell me I'm too independant or my standards are too high or I'm missing out by not taking chances. It's fine if you believe that. Just don't ever call me cynical because, when it all comes down to it, I'm probably one of the most romantic and understanding girls you'll ever meet.

I just wish I could control these pessimistic feelings a bit more. But, hey, at least conquering them gives me something to do.

Man, I have so much to say but I don't know where to start. I hate that. I wonder if there are any classes that focus on nothing else but teaching students to be more articulate.

Quintin: What's the color of God's hair?
My Dad: I dunno....I guess it's kinda celestial.

Quintin: Is that another way of saying black?

Would it be horribly pathetic if I said I could completely relate to this picture? I mean, I say these things to myself before I go to bed. "Kayla, you weren't good enough today." Sometimes, I think it's best if I just not think about myself because it instantly turns into a bash-Kayla-fest. I usually think about other people. So, if you're reading this, I've probably thought about you. I've most likely played out awkward situations in my head and you were the star, of course. I apologize.

I can't change the song because our computer is being difficult. (Which is fine because I still plan on marrying Mr. Lightbody). I'm such a hyprocrite.

Bring In The Attitude

2007-02-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a very interesting last couple of weeks. But, I've enjoyed them mostly and that's all that really matters to me. School has become a little overwhelming but I don't mind. I kinda like being busy and working under pressure. Of course, there's a lot about I don't like but at least I'm learning and not wasting time. I think, right now, the only thing that's worrying me is I'm failing trig again. I really don't know what to do about it. I'm doing all my work, I'm trying as hard as I can, but the class is just so pointless to me and I really don't have time to get tutored. As hard as it gets, school has definitely brought me some smiles. I'm probably more social now than I've been since Kelvyn Park. Even during the summer, I spent most of my time with my grandma. Things have picked up a bit since then. And, on Thursday, I got called down to the office and they told me I couldn't be in school because they didn't have my updated shot records. So, I basically wasn't allowed to be in school yesterday. Got to stay home and rest. That definitely made me smile.

I'm watching the America's Next Top Model marathon. This show just fascinates me and I don't really know why. I want to stop watching but I just can't. It's like a disease or something.

So, last time I was in Chicago (about 2 wks. ago), I was hanging out with family at my grandma's house and my little cousin, Sofia, (who is probably the most witty four yr. old girl I will ever meet), decided to strike up a conversation while I was on the phone with an old friend...

Sofia: Who are you talking to?

Me: My friend.

Sofia: It's your boyfriend, isn't it?

Me: I don't have a boyfriend.

Sofia: (disgusted expression) But you're a teenager!

The little people in my life never cease to amaze me. The other day, I told Julio (my one-yr. old little brother) to stop being so short. He threw a spoon at my face.

I need a job. Now.

Song: Run- Snow Patrol because I think I might just marry Gary Lightbody.

Afflicted

2007-02-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

So, I realized the other day (sometime while school was closed due to weather; I had way too much time alone to contemplate life) that I pretty much live my life in fear. I mean, I always find myself feeling scared/worried. Some things are really silly and I usually get over it, but there's other things that really get to me. I'm scared that things are getting worse for my family, financially. My parents are always discussing money, always coming up with wierd ways to make ends meet. I could get into the very depressing details, but I won't. I'm scared that something will go wrong and we'll have to get up and leave Racine. It always seems that when I'm really starting to fall in love with everyone and when I start to enjoy my surrondings, I have to leave. I'm scared that I won't make it to college. My dream is to go back to Chicago and attend Columbia but a few people have already told me that it's a bad choice because I could never afford it. I'm scared that I dream too big and I'll never accomplish the things I want to. I'm scared that I'll never fall in love again. I'm scared that I'm not living up to anyone's expectations. Everyone thinks I'm so "amazingly talented" and I don't know how to carry that title. I'm scared that I'm not a good enough daughter/big sister/student/friend. I'm scared that people see me for something I'm not. I'm scared that people know I'm scared. But...here comes the much-needed positive spin...I also realized that I'm getting much better at controlling my fear. I definitely have more faith now than I used to. Things have been much worst in the past (i.e. my eighth grade yr). Times are pretty good right now. Even when they're not, I already know that everything happens for a reason and things will eventually fall into place. I guess I really have to stop beating myself up all the time because, when it all comes down to it, I'm trying my absolute best. And even when I'm not trying my absolute best, I'm still trying.

An update on Max's emoness: He's been wearing my studded belt a lot recently. I never really wore that belt, though. It's a small and it's still too big for my damn waist. He's not really acting emo but he's starting to look emo. I guess I'm ok with it as long as he doesn't touch my eyeliner.

I really don't like cooking shows. Especially that Rachel Ray lady. She really gets on my nerves. The other day she was cooking something (because that's what they do on cooking shows) and she said, "Oh! I forgot to turn on the oven!" and it made me wonder if she really forgot to turn on the oven or if that was just scripted to make her seem like a "normal person."

Well, I was gonna put a playlist up because I've had that playlist for a few months now but it's only got about five songs on it and I figured it was pointless. Everytime I try to add a song, all the links are bad. I just gave up. So, instead I'm just gonna put up one song at a time from imeem ( a site that Steph introduced me to). Right now it's "Right to be Wrong" - Joss Stone, a song I recently re-discovered.

I have to go do my government homework now.

Who Does Kayla Think She Is?!

2007-02-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

So....this is my new blog. How exciting. Some guy told me to get one...and by some guy I mean Jacob Aukland(I hope I spelled it right this time). I honestly wasn't too crazy about the idea but, for some reason, I really wanted one after a while. So, here I am, not studying for my trig test and instead posting in my fresh new blog. Yay! I really don't have much to say. That's the problem with me: sometimes I think too much and sometimes I think too little. I will say, though, that I'm not too fond of Max's little girlfriend. It' not really the fact that he's fourteen and dating and I'm sixteen and...not dating, it's just that it's weird. He's not supposed to grow up. He's supposed to be my little brother. And that girl is not a very good influence. She's emo and it's rubbing off on him bad. I caught him using my black nail polish and wearing a shirt that used to be mine. Should I not be worried? He hasn't been doing very well with my parents either since they've been dating. Thank goodness she's all the way in Chicago now. I kinda wanna kick her ass. Don't tell Max. What a lovely first post, hunh?

101 Facts about Me

1) I am a dedicated Christian
2) I am an idealist
3) I am an optimist
4) “Girl talk” makes me happy
5) I’m addicted to magazines
6) According to a personality quiz, I am 60% quirky
7) I’m very bad at math
8) I’m incredibly clumsy
9) I love watching music videos. And, when I like a song, I make up a music video for it in my head
10) Sometimes, I secretly wish I was Lara Croft
11) I could read for hours and hours. You don’t have to worry about entertaining me if I’ve got a book
12) I have a weakness for Disney movies and any form of pop culture from the 90’s
13) I don’t do nicknames. I will always call you by your full name. Except for Steph and Tati. Oh, and Max. But, that’s different. I’ve known them all my life
14) I’m an expert at making chocolate milk. I get requests all the time
15) I like different perspectives (“putting myself in other’s shoes”)
16) It doesn’t take much to make me smile
17) I’m easily distracted
18) I have serious blonde moments sometimes, but, I promise you, I’m a bonafide brunette
19) When I watch a movie with my siblings, I recite all the lines just because I know they won’t tell me to shut up
20) I believe in the Loch Ness Monster
21) I’m extremely observatory
22) I love it when people play with my hair
23) When I was little, I gave all my Barbie dolls very detailed back stories and complicated family trees
24) I can be very sarcastic
25) The show “Friends” can cheer me up in my worst of moods
26) I adore high-fashion
27) I’m not a very jealous girl
28) I’m arachnophobic. But, I swear, if there was no such thing as Mary Jane, Spiderman would so be mine
29) I like a wide variety of music
30) I’ve been wearing glasses for over three years
31) My favorite flower is the cherry blossom
32) About 80% of my clothes are hand-me-downs
33) I sleep curled up in a ball. Always have, probably always will
34) I don’t enjoy movies that include gore or exorcisms. They really disturb me
35) I’ve never had a “real” job
36) I’m not a very good cook
37) I used to love playing games like Ding-Dong-Ditch and Truth or Dare
38) My favorite day of the week is Friday
39) I’m not very patient
40) You can’t make me choose between cats and dogs
41) Some people know me to be really sassy and others know me to be a sweetheart. The people who think I’m sassy always catch me on a bad day…
42) I don’t make enemies very easily
43) I have two cigarette burns on my body; one is on the back of my left hand and the other is on my right upper-thigh
44) I have an “author’s hand” (aka sloppy handwriting)
45) I don’t believe in horoscopes or fortune cookies but they’re incredibly fun to read
46) I was born right around the time “Can’t Touch This” was a really hot song
47) I collect photographic icons. Why? I have no idea. I used to collect stickers when I was younger
48) I rarely curse
49) I have flat feet. Therefore, I’d probably literally kill myself in a pair of heels
50) I can be quite hypocritical and contradicting
51) I love carbs, can’t imagine my diet without them
52) I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka winter depression) but I try my best to reverse it
53) I am 5’4” and shrinking. For all I know, I could be like 5’3” now
54) I got my ears pierced when I was eight months old (around the same time I got the chicken pox) but my ears are too sensitive so I never wear earrings
55) I’m not very athletic but I did win a very important soccer game in eighth grade
56) I have an extremely random sleeping schedule
57) I don’t like small dogs
58) I have very bad sinuses and I always sound like I have a cold
59) I am often mistaken for being Mexican or Indian
60) I always read expiration dates. Guess I’m kinda paranoid…
61) I have a large imagination
62) I don’t like fish
63) I prefer AIM over phone conversations
64) I love playing Rummy and making stupid comments when I make stupid moves
65) I refer to myself as a dork…often
66) I’ve been told I look like the girl from The Ring, Violet from The Incredibles, and Morticia from The Adams Family
67) I love learning about past American pop culture (especially from the 20’s, 50’s and 60’s)
68) I can be quite opinionated but I sometimes have a very “I don’t care” attitude
69) I snack like crazy when I’m bored
70) I broke my right collarbone four days before my thirteenth birthday. It happened while I was in school and I got to sue the school for $10,000. Only got $6,000 though
71) I prefer stripes over polka-dots
72) I enjoy word games (i.e. crossword puzzles, wheel of fortune, etc.) and I’m really good at Family Feud-type games
73) I read the Bible every morning
74) I’ve been trying to learn Spanish all my life and I’m not getting any better
75) My favorite colors are lilac and sky-blue
76) I always read the reviews before reading a book
77) I enjoy vintage cartoons
78) My favorite holiday is Christmas
79) There’s a special place in my heart for substitute teachers
80) I love writing notes
81) When I was younger, my favorite games were always the make-believe ones
82) I sometimes make up my own holidays
83) My grandma (who doesn’t speak English) and I enjoy playing pranks on the paleta man during the summer
84) I drink A LOT of water
85) I have a high metabolism, which is often mistaken for anorexia
86) I’m not one for superstition
87) I have a really bad habit of biting my nails
88) I stopped believing in the tooth fairy when I noticed she was holding out on me and I never believed in Santa
89) I usually hit the snooze button four-five times before actually waking up
90) I love making collages out of magazine clips
91) I don’t mind doing laundry
92) I prefer writing with a pen
93) I was named after a soap opera character
94) I really really really like popping bubblewrap (who doesn’t?)
95) MTV reality shows disgust me…but I still watch them
96) Favorite comic = Calvin and Hobbes
97) I’m kinda afraid of growing up
98) I tan pretty nicely
99) I’ve been told I have the body of a ten-yr-old boy
100) I always chew on my pens
101) I obviously have too much time on my hands